the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
