thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
