You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
