ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
