omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
