Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
