Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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