My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
