you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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