just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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