Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
