I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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