I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
