Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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