Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
