I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize