just come out here and I will go home with you...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
