end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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