how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im six kinds of drunk right now
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
