Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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