What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
