I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
