someone get that fucking seahorse.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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