No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
