listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
