dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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