This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize