dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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