why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
