WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
