You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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