so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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