We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
