I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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