I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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