yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
