you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
