she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
