We need to start having sex underwater more often.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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