I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Randomize
