Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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