I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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