You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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