I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
