He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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