The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
