Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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