Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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