why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
