Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
