Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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