I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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