Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
