too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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