my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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