I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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