Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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