maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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