$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
