You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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