He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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