I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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