someone owes me an orgasm
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
