you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
