I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
