12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
