Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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