I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
